best of week 7

SO to going on my first run of the summer. ASO to being chased by my neighbors pet pig on that run this morning. Is that supposed to be some sort of sign?

ASO to a knee wound and massive amounts of blood whilst acting out "immigrants crossing the border". Beware of the dangers of charades

SO to the man on craigslist who claims "I love to date large white woman with a pear shaped butt." what is a pearshaped butt?. DOUBLE SO to him saying "i show affection in pubic." hahah oh lord

ASO to the apocalypse; Gas is $4 a gallon, half of the Midwest is underwater or tornado ravished, Colorado and California are on fire, and I can't have a goddamn tomato

SO to going to Dairy Queen and licking penis sculptures out of our soft serve cones. Double SO to a bus load of summer school kids pulling up while we're doing not so decent things with our ice cream penises

SO to sailing & pirates Saturday. Major SO to dressing up like a pirate, attacking other boats, and claiming booty while drinking & having a blast

ASO to accidentally swallowing one of my contact lenses. that was weird

SO to making drinking festive, with things such as case races and mexican nights, just to make our raging alcoholism seem celebratory

SO to Cookie Monster for admitting that he was the "Robert Downey Jr. of cookies" in the 70s and 80s

SO to long nights and awkward mornings! At this rate, I won't be able to ban my kids from doing anything, because I've already done it all. ASO or SO to living by the motto, "an awkward morning beats a boring night?"

ASO to having a super weird feeling hangover. I don't have to throw up and I don't have a headache, but I have NO balance, I have crazy chest pain, swollen eyes from something, blood coming out of my nose at random moments, and snot and vomit on my sheets.
Yeah, I'm a winner."
... I didn't know that Amy Winehouse posted shoutouts

SO to the little boy meticulously looking through his box of animal crackers for the seal because he read on the box, "Do not eat if seal is broken

SO to all the senior citizens living in Towers right now. You're way nicer neighbors than the coasties were, and I'll take your tour buses over their endless cabs any day

ASO to the American Apparel ads using sexually-ambiguous models. You confuse me. And when did Taylor Hanson start modeling clothes

SO to the delivery guy at Jimmy John's for accidently delivering his personal stash of crack with some subs to Meriter hospital

SO to my crackberry, without you I might actually have tried crack

SO to my mother who said she knew some sign language then proceeded to flick the middle finger saying, you know what that means, don't ya? (This is all during a church sermon of course)

Fat chicks hitting on dudes is like cornbread... "Ain't nothin' wrong with that

SO to the guy who posted an ad on Criag's List for free semen